| new journal |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|12:15 am] |
i decided i needed a change. what kind of a name is poetgurl, anyway?
ciao. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|02:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | everything at once. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | h e r s p a c e h o l i d a y | ] |
My window is in the perfect place.
There is a tree right outside that rustles and greets me every morning.
It is the perfect place to watch the sunset.
It is also the perfect place for the sun to shine through at five in the evening, at just the right angle so as to highlight my comfortable bed, and distract me from everything else.
It is the perfect place to sit and sigh and be thankful for all that I have.
This is my most alert, energetic time of the day. The time when I should be doing homework, but I cannot. I am antsy and anxious. But wait, that goes in the mood thing.
Whoever said night is better than day is a jerk.
Love, Laura. |
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| helloooooo nurse! |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|10:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | van morrison | ] |
Evidently, engaging in last-minute attempts to scrounge up money for a higher education plus trying to fix a broken cell phone by incessantly calling the insurance company plus trying to practice driving for a pathetically long overdue road test while one's mother is stamping the hell out of an imaginary break plus working with hollering babies for seven hours a day plus screaming fights with parents that end in tears of regret plus extreme anxiety about new places and people plus missing one's boyfriend all the time equals UNPRECEDENTED AMOUNTS OF STRESS.
This is evident because of my shingles. Don't touch them! You could contract chicken pox.
The week off from work (i could infect the little ones!)was sad but a blessing, because the free time with Stephen was blissful. Until he left this morning.
Vacation, I.E. the week spent with family that will begin tomorrow with a seven-hour car drive crammed into a small vehicle between my intense sisters and behind my intense parents, is not an experience I can foresee helping to calm my jangled nerves.
I was smashed in the chin with a plate the other day. Also I scratched my leg to the point of drawing blood! Also I think I have ear damage. But mostly I'm upset because it's a head-in-hands kind of day, but I can't form this gesture because my whole head is sore. So I'll just cry instead.
Laura.
PS, my girl friends are the most fabulous people that ever existed. I do not say this enough.
PPS, il mio ragazzo e molto molto bello. |
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| goddamnit, i know the u in my name is stupid. |
[Jul. 15th, 2004|10:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
i walked to work in the pouring (i mean POURING) rain this morning. it was the most amazing feeling.
i know everyone's sick of getting in touch with nature and being amazing.
so you will be pleased to know that when i got to work i was in no shape to hold babies. i dripped all over the floor. the air was on and i was shivering, and i felt pretty crappy. i couldn't get one little boy to go to sleep, and i had to change a bajillion disgusting diapers. and i go back at two thirty. to chase around four year olds who STILL emit excrement randomly and often.
but they're so fucking cute...
i am excited for vacation because any time with stephen is great, but also because of lots of shallow and silly things, like being lazy, wearing a bikini, getting a tan, and pretending i have no responsibilities!
because i just realized it's been more than two months since i came home. months that went by like hours, minutes, seconds and every day i get closer to school and all the new buildings and classes and faces and i'm fucking scared out of my mind.
it's funny, because i think school will be much more relaxing than this summer has been. maybe that's why i'm disappointed. things are all turned around. the sun and happy people and fun times i expected are missing. i see the sun through the blinds on the windows of my air-conditioned place of employment, or in my eyes when i'm rushing to or from this place. the happy people are also at work, suffering through long days on their feet, disorienting night shifts, and under-paid hour after under-paid hour of mind-numbing labor, which leaves them (and myself) to tired to be happy. the fun times seem strained and forced and everyone leaves early.
not to mention us all growing the fuck apart.
and i look at stephen for reassurance that this will get better, but all i see is him struggling to keep his high school friends close, and telling me i'm lucky.
i'll only get unluckier as the years go by. i never thought i'd miss high school. but i do, and it's driving me crazy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2004|05:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dorothy is trying to play the harmonica. | ] |
Am at Spoe-ter-tee-Doit-rr-tree's house. Dorothy, I mean.
Er...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY!
Stephen is coming tonight fabulous stoked yes me. Dot told me to use that word. It sounds silly.
Derby and I were screaming at each other yesterday and she got so excited she fell in her pool! Sucker. (Flop on deck!)
Josh's hot tub made my face a volcano.
I like giant frogs!
John Mayer + Paul Simon? Am skeptical.
Also, Drigby fits in the closet. It's a small closet.
Finishing thought:
And in closing, helium balloons released into the sky can kill some sort of wildlife, so quit letting them go, you sons-of-bitches.
TODAY'S RATING: 8 out of 10 (soon to become a 10 at 11:30 PM!)
Love, Laura.
Footnote. All of the people referred to in a personal sense in this entry are Dorothy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|10:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radiohead | ] |
Last night was fun.
"Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's spoon collection.
Thou shalt not drink until thou art twenty-one." (Cyp)
I am going to read the Little Prince, cry, wash some clothes, and miss Stephen. Hard. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2004|11:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
I woke up at seven AM and read Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I took Hoover out on a leash in the dewy morning. For those of you who don't know, he's a cat. Who loves to eat grass. At nine thirty, Drigs and I ate Fruit Loops and waffles.
The true test of a relationship appears to be trusting each other with friends you don't know/don't like. I had forgotten this feeling of insecurity.
Everything is odd. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2004|06:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Yes. Er, the band Yes. | ] |
I am feeling absolutely nothing but wonderful right now. Which makes me wonder why I wanted to write an entry. Happy days are often boring. Er...
Today Stephen left. I can't whine about it so much now, because it's going to be happening a lot. And to tell you the truth, though I cried, it wasn't too bad. I'm ridiculously excited about our entire summer together, especially vacations, mmm! I miss him already, but in one week he'll be back. Highlights of my time with him include making french toast twice, lying outside on a sleeping bag, getting ice cream at the pier, dying our hair (mine has neat highlights now) and just generally being [very comfortable and snuggly] lumps.
Also,today I watched Le Divorce. It was disgusting to see all of the characters cheating on each other. However, all was forgiven because French people are SO DAMN COOL. I wish I was extravagantly wealthy and french...ah, the glamour.
It was great to see everyone, especially Drigby, on Friday. I'm so glad I special-ordered her from Australia in February! My favoritest thing in the world to do is be silly with people I love.
My sister's nickname is Bubbles? Like the Powerpuff girl that Cyp liked? That reminds me of when we went out for a week. I made him a Bubbles collage on my computer. Then he broke up with me. Er...
This IS a boring entry. To wrap up, good weekend, Monday yuck, work sucks. The End.
HB |
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| this is me looking on the bright side... |
[May. 17th, 2004|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rent. | ] |
my stomach hurts. at least it has not fallen out.
my everything else hurts. at least it's getting better.
every time i move, i get nauseous. at least i can move.
mike got in a scary, scary car accident, and my automatic impulse was to feel responsible. at least he's going to be ok, and my guilt is subsiding.
i miss stephen so much it physically hurts. at least he's coming tomorrow.
my job is taxing, even when i'm not ill. at least it's not the library.
it doesn't feel like summer yet because dorothy isn't here and it's not warm enough to go swimming. at least it's coming soon.
i'm not seeing people, particularly the girls, as much as i'd like. at least when i do, it's mega cheering-up fun.
my family members always seem to be at eachother's throats. at least we have eachother.
i have yet to feel the slightest bit independent. at least i'm working on it.
i haven't been having too many good days lately, but at least i am surrounded by love.
at
least
i
am
alive. |
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| Laura is a baby. |
[May. 13th, 2004|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Outkast | ] |
So I work at this freaking day care.
Today we had a large thunderstorm. It was right on top of us, and even I was scared of how loud/bright it was. (This is a recap for those not currently in Cdga.) It happened during naptime, and a bunch of the kids got scared and one even peed! At least I didn't have to clean it up.
Anyway, I spent a large chunk of time rubbing little girls' and boys' backs, and hushing them.
I worked seven hours today, and when I got home I was exhausted. I called Jenny to tell her I wouldn't be coming to the mall this evening, and then I collapsed on my bed. I was restless all night, calling Stephen multiple times, reading things I've read before, staring at my ceiling, and even talking with my Dad about religion.
Tonight I felt like one of those scared little kids. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. My mom came into my room to tell me to turn my fan down. I was lying in the dark at ten o'clock, though I wasn't sleepy and I don't have to get up at a specific time tomorrow morning, and I just whined and wanted her to come sit on my bed and rub my back.
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm eighteen years old. This is not what independence looks like! I realized this with my arms outstretched, as Mom denied my pleas, hurrying back downstairs to finish watching ER.
Gor, I feel horribly pathetic.
On a sort of unrelated note, I miss Dorothy a LOT.
(The End.) |
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| Last day. |
[May. 7th, 2004|08:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
I saw my ex-roommate Lindsay at dinner last night. She said, "have a good summer, if I don't see you! Well, I'll see you next year."
I just made sputtering noises as she walked by. What was I supposed to say? "I won't be here next year..."
I won't be here next year because I had the worst first semester ever. I was surrounded by moderately friendly people with whom I had nothing in common. I made a sincere effort to spend time with them, to find something in common, but they never made the same effort. A few of them helped me pack my father's car in October. Lindsay came to my room the next day with her laptop, so I could help her with her paper. After that, no one ever visited me. When I went up there, they acted surprised to see me. I stopped going. Whenever we see eachother, we smile. Well, sometimes we avert our eyes. When we smile, it is because we cannot avoid it. I try to not be bitter. It doesn't work.
I won't be here next year because I made no lasting group of friends in my new building. My roommate is painfully shy, and I am not energetic enough to bring her out of her shell. This entire floor is full of anti-social sophomores. I essentially made no friends on my own. The only thing that saved me in the beginning was Darren and Aron.
I won't be here next year because I want to be surrounded by people who love me and tell me so. That is what I had at home. That is what I need. I am lazy and shy and I don't want to meet new people, because new people are iffy and difficult and confusing. Old people are predictable and familiar. I know I will always be meeting new people, but I want that love to fall back on. I'm afraid I'll never learn to be independent.
I won't be here next year because my family is "intense," and the pressure they exact on me is infinite. My father wants me to spend less money on my education, because he has to listen to my mother when we're in debt. My mother wants me to be close, so that when she has a heart attack from missing me, she can come whisk me away for dinner. My sister wants me to be at Geneseo, because she wants to go to Geneseo. And share a room with me. My opinion is never acknowledged.
I won't be here next year because I have made this decision, and I cannot go back on it.
I am excited for the future. But I can't seem to think about that now. I know if I had actually tried to form words to tell Lindsay I was not coming back, I might have cried.
My stomach is one big knot.
...oh yeah, P fucking S, I have only two hours or so to pack, and Gissel's friend is asleep in our room...?!?!?! Not Gissel, but Gissel's friend. She lives next door. I fail to see the logic. And I fail to pack. Because I don't want to make noise. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR! |
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| I will warn you. Melancholy entry to follow... |
[May. 6th, 2004|07:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jewel | ] |
too many times
i've cared too much
i've stood on the edge
and saw that you held my hand
knowing too well
i couldn't hide from
those
eyes...
One of the strangest/worst feelings in the world is sitting at your computer in a towel, not wanting to get dressed, knowing that every minute brings you closer to taking a test for which you are half prepared. (if you can measure preparedness in portions) Every minute brings me closer to the deadlines for this semester, for Geneseo, for all my responsibilites. Every minute I am closer to leaving.
The reason I am not crying is due in part to the fact that I'm distressed about my work. Because I am on edge, if something silly happens, (yesterday I spilled granola) I cry. And it baffles people. But when I think about the enormous effect the decisions I have made are going to make on my life in the future, I am not able to cry, even though these are the most devastating thoughts. I feel numb. As if I have chosen a particular path, and if I admit that I'm shying away from following it, it will just make me more miserable. So I'm sticking to it, pretending I feel nothing.
I feel a lot.
Being this happy and this sad at the same time, on top of experiencing extreme uncertainty about the near future (that you cannot control), on top of getting little sleep, is very draining. I'm exhausted. I wish that I didn't feel. There is not much I can do about it.
Laura |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2004|01:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ani | ] |
I ate vegetable soup at lunch today, it didn't agree with the english muffin. I have to learn to coordinate my food better.
This morning I woke up crankier than I've been in at least a year. Not worse-feeling than I have been in a year, but crankier. It's different.
This week is going to kill me. I'm so tired and so stressed out and I have so many things to do.
Katherine is supposed to come visit tomorrow, but I might accidentally flip my shit and kill her, so I guess I should tell her it would be better if she didn't. Sigh.
I was cheered up by lots of tickling, but the soup and coming into my steaming hot room, with Gissel asleep in her bed at fucking one thirty in the afternoon, mnade me want to scream. I didn't, mind you, because she's asleep. Durp.
I can't wait until this week is over. I can wait a million years.
Today Stephen and I took down our wall of pictures. I almost cried. I don't want to leave, at all.
This Friday is Night Club Night. I expect lots of love, because otherwise I might explode.
The end. |
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| My notes from the Predator movie for Sci Fi |
[May. 4th, 2004|09:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Cure. The Lovecats. | ] |
I just found this, it's funny. Um...but not if you haven't seen Predator. So. Yeah.
NOTES ON PREDATOR:
1.Sees with heat vision
2.Is invisible
3.What was that bug thing about?
4.Billy (Indian type guy) can smell it
5.Skins things alive, took Hawkins apart, ew! (the guy with glasses)
6.Shot the Tobacco guy with blue laser type thingies. I didn't like him anyway.
7.Its eyes glowed yellow.
8.Its blood was yellow. Corruption.
9.I think Billy’s rather cute.
10.Has a thing on its arm that toggles its invisibleness.
11.Has a thing on its arm with tools, used these to fix its wound.
12.Has dreadlocks (?!)
13.Avoided the trip wires…climbs through the trees. Rather like a ninja.
14.Came back for Tobacco Man’s body…is killing them off one by one. Why?
15.What the hell are those blue lasers?
16.Didn’t kill the black guys first. They always die first! Maybe is sensitive to racial prejudice, because is persecuted by humans.
17.Learned Mac’s voice! Captured the stupid black guy using it! Using one black guy to kill another! That’s even worse! Goddamn predator.
18.Oh never mind. It really was Mac.
19.Has a red target thing before shooting its lasers. You see that, you know you're fucked.
20.Arnold says it didn’t kill Anna because she wasn’t armed, no sport. So is that all it’s about?
21.Shot off the stupid black guy’s arm, so he couldn’t keep shooting.
22.Has retractable shiny blades. It must want sport, otherwise it would have just shot him in his face-hole, like Mac.
23.Oh, Billy’s stripping! Woo hoo! I like this movie!
24.Ok, but he threw his gun in the water, cut himself, and then stood there on a precarious log. He’s just asking to get killed.
25.Can’t detect heat when covered in mud. Couldn’t find Arnold. Also Arnold looks really bad-ass covered in mud.
26.Kind of reminds me of an Uruk. Meat's back on the menu, boys!
27.Collects the bones of his victims. And then caresses them lovingly with one scaly, disgusting finger. What could this mean?
28.Is really ugly. Probably why it wears a mask. I have to say, I wish I had double mandibles.
29.Has device on its arm that makes a huge bomb as its last resort. What a way to go!
...so anyway. Uber stressed out. That is all. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2004|11:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ditzy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | daft punk. da funk. that rhymes. and junk. | ] |
...today steve sneezed, only didn't, and it made the most ridiculous sound in the history of mankind, a conversation about which follows:
thexpIodingboy (11:23:23 PM): abortion sneeze!
thexpIodingboy (11:23:43 PM): aah aaah aaaah GAA HeWWW
laura hora bora (11:23:59 PM): oh no what the fuck WAS that
laura hora bora (11:24:04 PM): it was like BAK!
thexpIodingboy (11:24:10 PM): i dont KNOW
thexpIodingboy (11:24:21 PM): haha yea. it was more LIKE bak
laura hora bora (11:25:43 PM): well, it was un-re-creatamable with letters
thexpIodingboy (11:26:01 PM): uh gugh
laura hora bora (11:26:01 PM): there are no english letters to describe teh sound you made
thexpIodingboy (11:27:48 PM): the closest thing you could get to it is a dead squirrel (in a mans size 13shoe) thrown out of a 10 story building, directiy hitting a conveniently placed tub of jello
...well anyway. i appreciate ellipses. that's right, "these things: ..." have a name! they are fucking ellipses! gor. today i studied a lot. i should be studying now. but i'm not...
...eff anthropology. oy! and also today included, but was not limited to:
snuggling. bear growling noises. tickling. spilling water. getting teh wrong potato chips. mint chocolate chip ice cream on sugar cones. i am obsessed with ice cream. oh sorry, that doesnt belong there. being called "tank ass." laughing till i almost died. getting cold and wet but making it all better by being "bed bugs." getting grossed out by the phrase "bed bugs" because it makes me think of dust mites and that makes me itchy and gor i have to stop this list.
that's pretty much it. finals week blech. leaving blech. going home and seeing uber cool people not blech.
<3
PS:
thexpIodingboy (11:32:25 PM): really really REALLY hot people doing themselves and eating bananas
laura hora bora (11:34:05 PM): WAIT A SECOND |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2004|08:16 am] |
I found this in the journal of Don Hertzfeldt, (is that spelled right?) the guy who did Rejected, etc.
"i was reading an article somewhere the other day that was praising mel gibson for his spectacular marketing and merchandising genius and projected that after total world sales from his jesus movie he was going to personally walk away with $300-400 million, as the film's principal investor. maybe i'm really naive, but shouldn't he be like.. giving all that money away to christian charities and the red cross or something? isn't that the truly christian thing to do? i'm not a christian but if i were i think i'd be extremely upset to hear about mel gibson pocketing $300-400 million largely from church groups. everywhere i've read though, catholics are hailing him as a hero for pulling off such a "risky financial investment", as though somehow a shitload of money is his just reward for merely following his faith and his beliefs. aren't faithful people doing that every day volunteering in african aids shelters and in the peace corps and things? it's very strange and scary, the whole american backwards thing with material wealth equaling spiritual wealth. i guess i don't understand how mel's profiting from religion is any more respectable to christians than a late night televangelist's profiting from religion. what's worse is you have this movie where jesus says these beautiful things about loving your enemies and forgiving everyone and sharing everything, and when the lights go up most of his followers wipe away their tears, drive home in their luxury SUVs and resume throwing their gay children out of the house and making a killing on the stock market. and pocketing $300-400 million to not distribute to the less fortunate. oh and on an unrelated note i've also never understood why the pope always used to ride around in a bulletproof car. he's not really the sort of guy you'd think should be afraid of dying...
here is a poem i made for you out of spam subject lines..
enjoy the status of platinum today
building vicodin shut
enhanced penis pill is amazing
why arent you watershed goblet
if pizza be the food of love
i can hardly feel the device under my pants"
...this guy is absolutely fabulous.
http://www.bitterfilms.com |
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| and the sight of your sleepy smile eclipsed all the other people... |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|11:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ani. Little Plastic Castle. | ] |
Well, my mom is here. She bought me Godiva ice cream, chocolate and dark chocolate! I am happily stuffing my face.
Also we got a sundae at Friendly's...warm brownie plus coffee ice cream equals heaven.
(I can't eat chocolate or I'll get fat.)
I am also confused and distressed and all squiggly about the end of school. Apart from the obvious, I'm afraid I shall miss my boys. Laughing my ass off and falling down, being constantly berated, being Aron's muse, and surprise-hugging Ren, and...oy...this is terribly, terribly sad!
I. Love. Stephen. To the max.
That is all.
PS, for the next two days I am President of the Silly Underwear Club(!!)
PPS, my mother just told me she doesnt usually wear underwear to bed. God help me. |
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| that's right. |
[Apr. 29th, 2004|03:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | BECK BECK BECK BECK BECK! PEACHES AND CREAM! | ] |
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| off the coast and i'm headed nowhere... |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|03:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ben Folds Five - Fair (THE CHICKEN SONG!) | ] |
...
Hate and love are
Similar, they say
Emotions the same
Laughing loud
I start to cry
And you’re gone
...
Well, I've come to a few realizations. One being the following:
I like to think that I have no spine. This isn't true. Let's examine, for example, the typical dinner situation here at Ithaca. Aron or Darren says something mildly insulting. The average response would be to insult them back, or to hit them, or take some other sort of offensive action. I, on the other hand, pout. I pout and they feel sorry and apologize. This is not invariable. Sometimes the situation is different. In addition, it's pretty trivial. I mean, who cares how I react to something as minor as that? However, I apply this strategy to the rest of my life. Instead of pouting when someone insults me or hurts me, I simply tell as many other people about it as possible. They feel sorry for me, and even if I never actually discuss it with the other person directly involved, I feel better. How sick and twisted is this? My whole life I have genuinely believed that I'm too nice of a person and I let people walk all over me, when really I just have a coping system that's much sneakier and more dishonest than simply confronting my "enemies." I'm working hard to remedy this fault.
But I think that this is just one manifestation of my personality. I like to talk to/about people, I like being out in the open, and I like for everyone to know my feelings. I'm not a private person at all. I don't know why, and I think it's often a bad thing, but that's who I am.
And you want to know the really crazy thing?
Even though I'm devastated by this realization, at the same time I'm so happy, because I feel like I'm discovering myself. I have never, ever felt like an individual, like I was known for anything, like there was any sort of personality trait that a person could look at and say, "that's Laura." And maybe that's because I'm not far enough removed from myself to identify it, but I doubt it. Because I was confined during a time when it's important to grow, I don't think I ever understood myself. I think I'm rambling now. But that's all.
Oy!
Laura |
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| ooh ooh ooh |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|03:23 pm] |
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Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want. Then, of course, post this to your journal and see what people remember of you. |
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